When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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