I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
