Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
