he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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