4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
