there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
