he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
