Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
