Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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