dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
