HIV tests are more positive than that guy
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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