I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
