i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
