Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
