Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
