I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
