I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
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i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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