i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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