Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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