i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
