I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Enjoy the penises
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
