tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
