i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's never too late to be topless.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
