Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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