Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
