I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
