The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
