..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
