my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
