A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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