I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
