Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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