Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
