totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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