It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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