i already hear my dad disowning me
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
