It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
