Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
