Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How external is "for external use only"?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
