I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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