This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
