All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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