I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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