I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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