So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
