And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
