In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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