Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have tasted many bathrooms
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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