we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
