All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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