I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
