Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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