She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Of course I have a pirate flag
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
