Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
