we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
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I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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