I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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