My sheets look like a crime scene.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
