Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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