Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
