just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
