He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You smell like stripper and shame
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
This is the high leading the old right now
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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