i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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