make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
